“if you like it then you better put a ring on it” is the mantra of our generation, and it’s fucking abusive. It’s sick. If you like it, you better — WHAT?

I get a lot of free passes.

And you know why, right? Boobs. It is often assumed that simply because I have a vagina, that I should get free things. This is an arguably good deal for me, who had to do nothing but be born a woman for this to happen.

Unknown.jpegFrom free dinners to free drinks to getting into concerts for next to nothing, I am told in nearly every piece of media I consume that it’s a prettttttttttty sweet deal. And that’s on the slow side of things. I’ve heard of women, much hotter than myself, who men buy them cellphones, pay for the rent, and event their college tuition.

One time, I actually joined a “dating” site under an alias as part of a research paper in college. A site where women essentially look for a “sugar daddy” — a man who buys them things in exchange for, well, their time.

A site in which I firsthand witnessed men who offered to fly me to their New York apartments and, yes, pay for my college, without so much as a, “hello” or me promising anything in exchange. You see, I don’t think it really had much to do with me because in my photo, I had a group of people. I could have been any of them. There’s no way they would know which one was me.

sugardaddy.jpg

I was a woman. And perhaps for them, that was enough.

I was essentially interchangable. A message woman consume daily without really noticing.

One thing I started to realize was that those “free passes” weren’t at all free. That they came with invisible chains. Ones that are not necessarily the fault of the man. Most men who feel that they should pay for a woman or act a certain way in the presence of a woman are doing so out of mores society requires and labels as “decency and politeness.” A real gentleman, and his lady.

So, we start to get entitled. Wouldn’t you? Entitled to certain things simply because we are women. And these “things” signal, boarder-line replace, real emotion. And possibly love.

It’s something I’ve tried to unteach myself. That if women expect men to do things for them, to buy things for them, that doesn’t give us power.  In fact, I see it as the exact opposite.  Dogs expect their owners to buy them food, don’t they? When you need something from someone, that is a loss of power. And I’m not promoting that tired, played out “Independent Woman” stuff either.

“I don’t need no man!!” God, shutup. Yes. You. Do. If you didn’t need something, it wouldn’t even cross your mind. Of course, this is aimed at women closer to “straight” on the spectrum of sexuality. I cannot speak to the lesbian vibe, so much. At least, not at this point.

Anyways, “if you like it then you better put a ring on it” is the mantra of our generation, and it’s fucking abusive. It’s sick. If you like it, you better — WHAT?

96911.jpgLiking, for god sake’s, loving someone, isn’t ultimatums, and it isn’t getting power by forcing men or women to do things. Real power is being able to provide for yourself while maintaining a nurturing relationship with someone who makes you stronger and helps you grow, and who you do the same for. And always expecting someone to do something in a relationship just because of their gender is completely damaging to this.

So, simply, STOP doing it. Stop expecting men to pay. Stop telling our young women that if a boy likes you, he will buy you stuff. If he likes it, he might put a ring on it, and he might not. I’m sorry, but don’t “put” anything on me. Last I checked, I am an adult and adults agree upon, not get asked to, make life-altering decisions.

The reason I am saying this, at the risk of sounding all too preachy, is I’ve never seen a feminist article say anything like this. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere. But I’ve tried to test the waters with other women with this ideal, and they often don’t take to it. Of course, I’m not saying that I’ve never wanted to be pampered, but that, to me, is the exception, not the rule. It goes both ways.Unknown-1.jpeg

This is real empowerment, and while some feminists might backlash, equality can be taking accountability for one’s own actions and ideals, while not forgetting the wild injustices nearly every where in the world that men and patriarchal traditions bestow onto women.

We’re only doing more damage to ourselves by thinking that because society is unequal, that our most prized relationships should be used to even it out.

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2 thoughts on ““if you like it then you better put a ring on it” is the mantra of our generation, and it’s fucking abusive. It’s sick. If you like it, you better — WHAT?

  1. I’m one feminist who totally agrees with you. I’m especially discouraged by the gender stereotyping in relationships, including lesbian relationships. – cv

  2. Found your blog completely by accident but I agree totally with everything you say.

    It’s nice when someone buys me things, of course but I always offer to pay my own way.

    And don’t get me started on the put a ring on it thing! I’m not a feminist but it comes across as ownership in some ways… why not put a dog collar and a lead on it too!

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